Prologue

    Beowulf could still feel the rush of adrenaline from the moment he ripped Grendel’s arm out of its socket.  In fact each time Beowulf crushed and crunched an opponent’s limbs and/or torso he felt more and more exhilaration.  And what more could he ask for this day besides another monster to tear apart?  A free and unlimited supply of mead, the alcoholic beverage of Anglo, Saxon and Jute times.  Ahhhh, the wonders of mead ­ Beowulf asked for an extra extra large helping.  The warriors were happily celebrating except one thing was missing.  Grendel had eaten all the scops!  As the hero, Beowulf knew what to do as he always does (and we will assume that this is the mead talking for him): he would sing!  "Beowulf had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb…" Suddenly the walls crashed down around the hall of mead and none other than Daisy Piller (also known as Grendel’s mother) crashed the party.  She seized all of Hrothgar’s horses and many of Hrothgar’s men and Humpty Dumpty and ran off to her underwater lair.  Note that she took a short cut and got there tout de suite as they say in France.

    "Do not despair," cried Beowulf.  "You shall see the Dumpty again ­ I guarantee it."  And with those words of assurance, Beowulf was off.  He was always rushing off to save the precious this, precious that, precious egg.  He took the high road for a while and the low road for a while until he came to a fork in the road, a three-pronged fork, to be exact.  The left way led to a pool of clear water.  The middle way led into a tropical desert.  And the right way led to Sir Mead’s Mead Hall.  "Hmmm," he thought.  "Water…mead…water…mead…mead…mead…NO, I must find Daisy, Grendel-mother."  And so he went left.

    "It appears that I will have to swim down this pool of water for approximately exactly twenty-three hours and fifty-seven minutes plus an amount of seconds," thought Beowulf.  "I better take a sandwich in a trusty zip-lock bag."  Beowulf was sure he always planned ahead.  He also took his trusty shirt, his trusty pants and his trustworthy sword.  "And where shall I enter?  I don’t want to touch the slimy sand or seaweed."  As all heroes do, he braved it and dived in.

    He swam down and down.  On the way down, he had to pass twelve obstacles, twelve monsters guarding the lair, of which we will only touch upon the first.   He came upon a large whale, rather a gigantic Blue Whale.

    "Why, you’re a Balaenoptera musculus!"

    "Why, you are a Beowulf.  You must get past me to get to Daisy."

    They wrestled, Beowulf with his arms, the whale with its baleen, but after a long struggle there was no winner.  Then Beowulf got an idea.
 
  "Oh, my bologna sandwich, we must part."

    And surprisingly, the bologna answered, "If that is what must be, I will die for you, my lord."

    So Beowulf unwrapped the sandwich carefully and let the bologna float to the surface.  And the whale (he could sense the bologna in the water) followed the thinly sliced piece of sandwich meat to the surface.  And Beowulf swam on knowing his greatest challenge would come at the end of his journey.  He muttered to himself, "Doesn’t it always happen that way?"

    When Beowulf reached the bottom, he saw a sign that read, "Please do not open both sides of the airlock at the same time or else you will die and I will die and nobody will be happy."  He went inside, traveled down a long, narrow corridor and walked through the door at the end.  A hideous monster with two eyes and three arms was sitting in a rocking chair by a cozy fireplace.  Beowulf acted nonchalant (he actually wasn’t scared at all).

    "So we finally meet, Bewulf."

    "My name is Beowulf, not Bewulf."

    "Bewulf, you maimed my son.  Actually you ripped my son’s arm off and hung it in the middle of your party-place.  You are a sick man.  You must die for all your sins.  I swear by my father Zemus X "The Emergency Medical Technician" that you will die.  You will die."

    Daisy the Grendel-mother stood up and revealed her true stature; Beowulf could only remember it as a blob with a head and a claw and bone rings at the neck.  Beowulf drew his trustworthy sword and person-eater drew her claw.  Beowulf monitored his stance, kept his eye on the mother and took a swing.  But his preparation turned out to be useless; the blade slashed through fat and was blunted.  With that, the underground lair-owner used her three arms to grab Beowulf and bring him close to her claw and made a quick jab at Beowulf’s right ventricle.  Beowulf was stunned but glad that his mail saved him from death (the scops sang that it was not his fate to die then) and he knelt down to form a new plan.

    "O trustworthy sword.  You do not lie.  What should I do?"

    "I am no longer worthy.  But you can trust what I say.  Find another sword more worthy of your hand.  I will give you a hint: There exists one in this room."

    As Beowulf flung his sword away he spotted the other sword, and it was a work of art.  It was made in the old Celtic style so Beowulf deduced it was over five hundred years old!  It was a giant’s sword, so heavy that only the person who brought it in the first place and Beowulf could pick it up.   He dashed to the spot where the sword was, picked it up and held it over his head.  He could feel the power of the sword and the super strength coming to his body and the excitement in his neurons.  He rushed at his opponent and swung the killing-metal at her bone rings (in her neck).  The bone rings snapped under the great force and Beowulf kept on hacking at her.  Finally as she melted away into the background, Beowulf realized what he had done.  "I have stopped the two monsters which raided Herot for many years.  I really am someone great.  My name Beowulf, not Bewulf, will be remembered as the one who ended the monsters’ streak of person-eating."

Epilogue

 He saw a tiny door, almost concealed in the shadow, leading to a back room.  He heard a cry of help from inside and rushed and broke through the door.  Inside he saw the weak one-armed Grendel sitting at a dining table.  In the center of the table was an elaborate platter with a salad ­ but wait!  In the middle of the salad was none other than our good friend and character from our childhood Humpty Dumpty.

    "Grendel, I am your father.  Then again, I am not, for I am Beowulf.  I ripped off your arm.  This is your last supper.  You, will die."

    "But ­ this is a Grade AA meal!  Do monsters not have last requests?"

    "Wait a minute, I don’t want to be eaten.  You must save me!"

    "That’s right ­ Grendel, your last supper was your last supper.  You will not eat any more."

    With that, Beowulf took the hilt of the giant’s sword (for the blade had melted in Daisy’s flesh) and smashed it into Grendel’s forehead.  Now the reign of the monsters was truly over.  Beowulf could finally go back to his land for some cookies and milk.

    "Thank you for saving me, Mr. Bewu…Beowulf."

    "Now we must concern ourselves with how to get home."

    "No problem, I’ve taken care of that.  Put on these slippers and repeat after me."

    There’s no place like home but home itself.  There’s no place like home but home itself….